I am rebellious by nature, and this has created questions in my own head that often have no answer. In questioning everything that has ever held authority in my life, it comes as no surprise that these questions have applied to God as well.
This journey that I am on in my life right now, all it really boils down to is figuring out what to trust. Sometimes this is simply defined as identifying lies that I have believed to be truth, other times it is a search for evidence that holds my beliefs as truth. This does seem to be more of an unlearning process and holding everything I think I know under the fire of constant questioning. There are days when I begin to wonder if any thing at all is real. If we are just ants scurrying about our busy lives for no real reason at all. Or maybe like in Avatar, we aren't really doing anyhing at all, that maybe our entire existance is only an imagination in our heads. But at that point, it just goes round and round into stories that I know to not be true. So I am left to really wonder what my own basis for even assesing truth is. I can effectively drive my own thoughts as far away from truth as I have ever been, simply by over thinking over questioning, holding every thing I think under contempt until there is something concrete that becomes evident. The conclusion I get to see here is that even the things that are concrete get the same scutinizing questions. What this means is that by nothing being true or real, I have effectively created insane right before my eyes, or shall we say right behind them.
I have to lay out what is concrete and decide. Do I believe what is real? I have a creator, who loves me as His prized creation. His plans for my life are good, better than I could come up with myself (tried that, didn't work). He never ever ever changes. He has already won the war over my destiny. He is faithful, consistant, never leaves me alone. He has constantly pursued my heart, even when I didn't think I wanted Him to. He has no boundary, no end, no begininng, no end to his love and grace toward me. He understands every piece of my existance. He knows the why to all of my questions and disbelief. He understands the motives of my heart. He created me, has seen my joys, has seen my pain, has seen my funny times, has seen my wrongs and rights; not only has he seen from afar, but he has seen from within. And he has seen it all through the eyes of grace.
My drive to find evidence, my need for understanding, my constant seeking of information is all just vain attempts to feel in control of my own existance. Trying to live in complete self relience instead of having to trust anything outside of myself. If I could only understand.... there would never be enough understanding or knowledge, unless I became God. Only then would I be master of my own universe. I am not and never will be God. I've heard He wants His job back, I am not capable of managing my life, so trying to manage the universe is obviously beyond me. So it again comes back to the question will I trust the authority of God to be God of my life? He obviously does a better job than I do. Will I trust enough in His understanding to not demand that I understand everything before I am willing believe that it is truth. Ok, so I don't have it all figured out, and what I am seeing as truth is that I am not supposed to know everything.
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all..." Proverbs 3:5-7
This journey that I am on in my life right now, all it really boils down to is figuring out what to trust. Sometimes this is simply defined as identifying lies that I have believed to be truth, other times it is a search for evidence that holds my beliefs as truth. This does seem to be more of an unlearning process and holding everything I think I know under the fire of constant questioning. There are days when I begin to wonder if any thing at all is real. If we are just ants scurrying about our busy lives for no real reason at all. Or maybe like in Avatar, we aren't really doing anyhing at all, that maybe our entire existance is only an imagination in our heads. But at that point, it just goes round and round into stories that I know to not be true. So I am left to really wonder what my own basis for even assesing truth is. I can effectively drive my own thoughts as far away from truth as I have ever been, simply by over thinking over questioning, holding every thing I think under contempt until there is something concrete that becomes evident. The conclusion I get to see here is that even the things that are concrete get the same scutinizing questions. What this means is that by nothing being true or real, I have effectively created insane right before my eyes, or shall we say right behind them.
I have to lay out what is concrete and decide. Do I believe what is real? I have a creator, who loves me as His prized creation. His plans for my life are good, better than I could come up with myself (tried that, didn't work). He never ever ever changes. He has already won the war over my destiny. He is faithful, consistant, never leaves me alone. He has constantly pursued my heart, even when I didn't think I wanted Him to. He has no boundary, no end, no begininng, no end to his love and grace toward me. He understands every piece of my existance. He knows the why to all of my questions and disbelief. He understands the motives of my heart. He created me, has seen my joys, has seen my pain, has seen my funny times, has seen my wrongs and rights; not only has he seen from afar, but he has seen from within. And he has seen it all through the eyes of grace.
My drive to find evidence, my need for understanding, my constant seeking of information is all just vain attempts to feel in control of my own existance. Trying to live in complete self relience instead of having to trust anything outside of myself. If I could only understand.... there would never be enough understanding or knowledge, unless I became God. Only then would I be master of my own universe. I am not and never will be God. I've heard He wants His job back, I am not capable of managing my life, so trying to manage the universe is obviously beyond me. So it again comes back to the question will I trust the authority of God to be God of my life? He obviously does a better job than I do. Will I trust enough in His understanding to not demand that I understand everything before I am willing believe that it is truth. Ok, so I don't have it all figured out, and what I am seeing as truth is that I am not supposed to know everything.
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all..." Proverbs 3:5-7