Tonight's thoughts have taken me down a road of reminiscing. A road of wondering about I ended up here. Here being slightly undefined due to the large number of question marks at the end of many thoughts. I've been happy before, to hear that God actually enjoys my questions. To hear that God created me curious and curiosity thrives in a place of questions. It drives me to continue seeking truth. (Though sometimes truth brings about much more uncomfortable questions).
Tonight's journey of questions led to the place of uncomfortable again, which generally means I must take some sort of action unless I am wanting to remain uncomfortable. You see, I rather like being comfortable. So being uncomfortable requires corrective action. While the level of discomfort usually defines how extreme my actions will become to alleviate the perceived source of my discomfort. Sometimes I can't immediately identify the source, which poses a very large dilemma in defining what to do about it. This obviously leads to more questions.
I analyze and dissect the details, then review the past to see if it's a recognizable discomfort. Sometimes this is such a quick process that I don't even recognize I'm doing it, like when my stomach growls and I identify the source is hunger and resolve to eat. Other times it's much more drawn out and I'm left with ongoing questions. This is where tonight began.
I'm uncomfortable and I need to know why to determine a course of action to alleviate the discomfort that doesn't create more problems hence create more discomfort in long term places.
I thought a lot about what lengths I'm willing to go to and looked backward to identify if I've seen this place before. Ironically I paused at many places where desperation created action, and many of those places the actions definitely didn't appear overly self controlled or very dignified. As this occurred to me, I had to ask myself if my dignity or pride was blocking my willingness?
I have grown a lot over time, mostly in good ways. Though somewhere along the way passionate emotionally driven actions became defined as not good. I thought about the question of whether a dying man really cares how he's rescued so long as he's rescued. A starving person is much less picky about food options that someone who has more than enough. A thirsty child isn't very picky about whose germs might be on a bottle of water. They are simply grateful.
I've been given a more comfortable life than I've had before and have grown picky. My preferred methods of problem solving don't reside among the desperate acts of the desperate any longer. For this I am grateful. This has also begun to limit what I believe are my options though. So I thought back some more and added some other ideas.
Shifting to biblical ideas I found myself confronted with David. Who so much desired God's blessing on his life that he danced and praised God by any and every means. When he was questioned about his behavior as the king, he said that before his God he would be even more undignified than this. David was a man who wasn't afraid to give God his big questions but also didn't hold back his emotions. He poured his very heart into everything he did. I'm often left sitting like this picture:
Tonight's journey of questions led to the place of uncomfortable again, which generally means I must take some sort of action unless I am wanting to remain uncomfortable. You see, I rather like being comfortable. So being uncomfortable requires corrective action. While the level of discomfort usually defines how extreme my actions will become to alleviate the perceived source of my discomfort. Sometimes I can't immediately identify the source, which poses a very large dilemma in defining what to do about it. This obviously leads to more questions.
I analyze and dissect the details, then review the past to see if it's a recognizable discomfort. Sometimes this is such a quick process that I don't even recognize I'm doing it, like when my stomach growls and I identify the source is hunger and resolve to eat. Other times it's much more drawn out and I'm left with ongoing questions. This is where tonight began.
I'm uncomfortable and I need to know why to determine a course of action to alleviate the discomfort that doesn't create more problems hence create more discomfort in long term places.
I thought a lot about what lengths I'm willing to go to and looked backward to identify if I've seen this place before. Ironically I paused at many places where desperation created action, and many of those places the actions definitely didn't appear overly self controlled or very dignified. As this occurred to me, I had to ask myself if my dignity or pride was blocking my willingness?
I have grown a lot over time, mostly in good ways. Though somewhere along the way passionate emotionally driven actions became defined as not good. I thought about the question of whether a dying man really cares how he's rescued so long as he's rescued. A starving person is much less picky about food options that someone who has more than enough. A thirsty child isn't very picky about whose germs might be on a bottle of water. They are simply grateful.
I've been given a more comfortable life than I've had before and have grown picky. My preferred methods of problem solving don't reside among the desperate acts of the desperate any longer. For this I am grateful. This has also begun to limit what I believe are my options though. So I thought back some more and added some other ideas.
Shifting to biblical ideas I found myself confronted with David. Who so much desired God's blessing on his life that he danced and praised God by any and every means. When he was questioned about his behavior as the king, he said that before his God he would be even more undignified than this. David was a man who wasn't afraid to give God his big questions but also didn't hold back his emotions. He poured his very heart into everything he did. I'm often left sitting like this picture:
I had to look clearly at the times that I didn't care so much about how something looked on the outside. The times in my life that God rescued me from desperate situations, I wasn't picky about how He was going to do this, just that it was effective. Some of you know parts of my life story enough to know some of these places, if not. ... well it's part of my journey and doesn't hold the same power over me to need to keep quiet. There have been many times I've been given the gift of having the desperation of a dying man. Times my story could have ended. Times that God said not yet and my willingness to do whatever it took to alleviate the discomfort (pain) grew immensely.
Many years ago I sat in a jail cell in solitary confinement. I had a lawyer tell me that he couldn't even imagine a way to get me out of the death penalty. Yet God wasn't done with the story and spoke life into a very desperate place. I was willing to do whatever I needed to, to walk into the gift of life.
Another place and time of laying on the ground because of a drug overdose that I should not have lived through. Same ending, God said not yet and spoke life into a desperate situation and willingness grew to go and do whatever was necessary.
Places of attempted suicide, God said He wasn't done. Spoke life into desperation and willingness grew.
Times where other people have tried to kill me. God spoke life through desperation and I was willing to do whatever was placed in front of me.
Times where basic survival needs were threatened, God spoke life in the desperation.
Dozens of times where life got truly uncomfortable. Hundreds of places that God spoke life through willingness by means of desperation. It's funny how easy it is to forget. Interesting how much less motivated I am to seek out more possibilities when I'm not uncomfortable to the point of thinking the situation impossible. When things in life are good and I begin to think I may have grown into figuring it out myself. I forget.
I forget that path ends in the same places. That path leads to desperation. I don't have to walk that road to know it ends with sheer willingness to not care what it looks like on the outside. I can take the uncomfortable and jump into willingness, without the pain of becoming desperate. That is very cool.
I can assess my own possibilities and still do what I can but allow the God who speaks life to speak first.
It truly does amaze me that He continues to write a better story for my life than I could ever imagine anyhow. So I think it would be far less uncomfortable to follow along in what He wants to do instead of insisting that at some point I got it and resume writing it myself. I will eventually write myself into an impossible scenario and give Him back the pen. So I think maybe I should simply stop grabbing the pen.
Many years ago I sat in a jail cell in solitary confinement. I had a lawyer tell me that he couldn't even imagine a way to get me out of the death penalty. Yet God wasn't done with the story and spoke life into a very desperate place. I was willing to do whatever I needed to, to walk into the gift of life.
Another place and time of laying on the ground because of a drug overdose that I should not have lived through. Same ending, God said not yet and spoke life into a desperate situation and willingness grew to go and do whatever was necessary.
Places of attempted suicide, God said He wasn't done. Spoke life into desperation and willingness grew.
Times where other people have tried to kill me. God spoke life through desperation and I was willing to do whatever was placed in front of me.
Times where basic survival needs were threatened, God spoke life in the desperation.
Dozens of times where life got truly uncomfortable. Hundreds of places that God spoke life through willingness by means of desperation. It's funny how easy it is to forget. Interesting how much less motivated I am to seek out more possibilities when I'm not uncomfortable to the point of thinking the situation impossible. When things in life are good and I begin to think I may have grown into figuring it out myself. I forget.
I forget that path ends in the same places. That path leads to desperation. I don't have to walk that road to know it ends with sheer willingness to not care what it looks like on the outside. I can take the uncomfortable and jump into willingness, without the pain of becoming desperate. That is very cool.
I can assess my own possibilities and still do what I can but allow the God who speaks life to speak first.
It truly does amaze me that He continues to write a better story for my life than I could ever imagine anyhow. So I think it would be far less uncomfortable to follow along in what He wants to do instead of insisting that at some point I got it and resume writing it myself. I will eventually write myself into an impossible scenario and give Him back the pen. So I think maybe I should simply stop grabbing the pen.