More often than not I have been taught that guarding my heart from hurt is a good thing. Has come across in many ways that it is how we are supposed to be. In some ways possibly but even that is not how we were created. If I protect my heart from pain, does it stand to reason that anything else that becomes associated with a negative feeling, I would need to protect it from as well? In the short term this may have benefit but eventually leads me to having soldiers on guard constantly. That if given enough time the entire world falls under the suspicion that it might hurt if I feel anything or let anyone close.
What seemed fairly logically becomes completely irrational in how things are seen or felt. It would make no sense if the solution to feeling any pain at a heart level could in protecting itself cause pain in others. This wall of keeping others out is not simply a primarily defense, but soldiers that work in offense. I can say so easily with my mouth that I don't want to harm others, but find that is often not my immediate reaction.
These soldiers don't just hurt others but they hurt me too. If all that was kept out and kept away from my heart was just the bad stuff it would be useful, but love, deep friendship, trust, joy, patience, gentleness... (This is beginning to sightly resemble the list of fruit of the Spirit) all of these really positive things seem to be held hostage by these guards. Taking in or allowing out these types of feeling often becomes skewed in misinterpretation.
Seems like such a simple concept, having soldiers guarding my heart that simply need to be told to stand down. It sounds like somehow it would be an easy thing to do. I find that it is more difficult than I ever could have imagined.
I guess in spending so much of life learning how to relate to a world that has not seemed like a very safe place, it would make sense that it is bit more complicated than simply deciding to not live in a stance of self protection. That seems logical... but not to be used as an excuse. Grace covers my screw ups, the unintentional ones as well as the intentional ones. But grace is not a liscence to choose to do whatever I want, it is a loving gift that I cherish. An understanding that my God never stands to question if I am good enough. To tarnish this gift by using it to abuse others is ludicrous, to excuse downright mean behavior under a claim that it is progress, that I don't have to be perfect, is not in any way an image of a repentant heat. If my freedom hurts you and my heart does not sorrow for your hurt but instead defends my actions or my right to hurt you, I am not living the life of freedom that I want.
My heart desires life, full- abundant -overflowing- life. This is not the reality of one who remains hidden and protected. I never want to return to the state of the living dead. And I don't want my own journey to make others feel that life was easier when they didn't care. I have thought those thoughts many times, easier is only an illusion. No matter how long or hard this journey is, I will keep walking it. No matter how many times the soldiers rise up around my heart, I will continue to ask God to make me aware and remember the life I desire, because yes, this life is available to me.
The relationships in my life that could be the closest, it would be time well spent in putting away the toy soldiers entirely. Giving the real option of knowing and being known by others, it just doesn't work well if we both have to stand on guard, ready for battle. As I try to pursue the heart of another, it may be prudent to lay my weapons down if I really am approaching with peaceful intentions.
My prayer is simply this: God please open my eyes to the truth of what's really going on. Open my ears so that I can hear even the words that are not spoken. Open my mind that I might see and hear without judgment. Open my heart that I can feel the positive and negative with out resistance. Open my hands so I can let go of what I hold so tightly to and keep them open to receive what You want to give. Help me live an open life. Amen
What seemed fairly logically becomes completely irrational in how things are seen or felt. It would make no sense if the solution to feeling any pain at a heart level could in protecting itself cause pain in others. This wall of keeping others out is not simply a primarily defense, but soldiers that work in offense. I can say so easily with my mouth that I don't want to harm others, but find that is often not my immediate reaction.
These soldiers don't just hurt others but they hurt me too. If all that was kept out and kept away from my heart was just the bad stuff it would be useful, but love, deep friendship, trust, joy, patience, gentleness... (This is beginning to sightly resemble the list of fruit of the Spirit) all of these really positive things seem to be held hostage by these guards. Taking in or allowing out these types of feeling often becomes skewed in misinterpretation.
Seems like such a simple concept, having soldiers guarding my heart that simply need to be told to stand down. It sounds like somehow it would be an easy thing to do. I find that it is more difficult than I ever could have imagined.
I guess in spending so much of life learning how to relate to a world that has not seemed like a very safe place, it would make sense that it is bit more complicated than simply deciding to not live in a stance of self protection. That seems logical... but not to be used as an excuse. Grace covers my screw ups, the unintentional ones as well as the intentional ones. But grace is not a liscence to choose to do whatever I want, it is a loving gift that I cherish. An understanding that my God never stands to question if I am good enough. To tarnish this gift by using it to abuse others is ludicrous, to excuse downright mean behavior under a claim that it is progress, that I don't have to be perfect, is not in any way an image of a repentant heat. If my freedom hurts you and my heart does not sorrow for your hurt but instead defends my actions or my right to hurt you, I am not living the life of freedom that I want.
My heart desires life, full- abundant -overflowing- life. This is not the reality of one who remains hidden and protected. I never want to return to the state of the living dead. And I don't want my own journey to make others feel that life was easier when they didn't care. I have thought those thoughts many times, easier is only an illusion. No matter how long or hard this journey is, I will keep walking it. No matter how many times the soldiers rise up around my heart, I will continue to ask God to make me aware and remember the life I desire, because yes, this life is available to me.
The relationships in my life that could be the closest, it would be time well spent in putting away the toy soldiers entirely. Giving the real option of knowing and being known by others, it just doesn't work well if we both have to stand on guard, ready for battle. As I try to pursue the heart of another, it may be prudent to lay my weapons down if I really am approaching with peaceful intentions.
My prayer is simply this: God please open my eyes to the truth of what's really going on. Open my ears so that I can hear even the words that are not spoken. Open my mind that I might see and hear without judgment. Open my heart that I can feel the positive and negative with out resistance. Open my hands so I can let go of what I hold so tightly to and keep them open to receive what You want to give. Help me live an open life. Amen